Thursday, July 03, 2008

WHERE I CONFESS TOO

Today I cried for the first time since I moved to Pune. It finally got to me, and by it I mean people. There is just so much a girl can take. There is just so much damn I can give. But all the shit is getting to me. I have had the fabulous luck of having great people and friends in my life and so I have no right to complain even now. But like I said, there is just so much this girl can take.


I love and adore my friends here, and I have never been a fan of being liked by everyone. On the contrary I often wish I could be a loner, quite a cowardly thing to say, but I am no longer the strong and fierce person I was at nineteen.

Nothing ever got to me. Not peers, not career debacles, not even lovers. But now everything affects me. Some emotional floodgate has opened which has left me so vulnerable and weak.


I can no longer cling to that part of my personality that made me so sure of my principles and ideals. As long as I know I am right, I was happy and confident. But now even being sure of myself doesn't help me. People are beginning to get to me. And no matter how much love and adoration my friends shower on me, the foes are winning.


I am tempted to take a shortcut (namely running away to Mumbai and ruining my blog with all my angry ramblings which is fortunately keeping me from packing my bag and jumping on the next volvo), but I am hurt that people who care for me get flak over me. That they fight for me. Why should they? Why can't people bitch about me to my fuckin' face.


And yes, before anyone patronises me, I know these cowardly morons are to be ignored, which is what I do as I won't ever drag myself to their level. But how long can I be the mature one. How long can I take it?


I have finally taken a decision and I know it is the wrong one, but this is the only thing that can keep me from getting hurt. I have decided to break all bonds. I am going into a shell where no one can get to me. What if I can't be invisible, I can atleast pretend.


The sick insecure world can live in their ignorant fuck of a bubble, while I will soar in my own sweet mind, where everything is beautiful, where I can make everything beautiful and where no one can touch me. I know I am being escapist but in my beautiful heart I am still free and untouched.


It's raining outside and watching the sky cry is all the healing I need.

Have you come here for forgiveness

Have you come to raise the dead

Have you come to play Jesus, to the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?

- Jhonny Cash