Wednesday, March 28, 2007

SHADOWS OF OURSELVES

because it doesn't matter
and there is nothing you can do
because you are no longer the careless 16 year old teenager who thought killing yourself was the coolest thing to do

or the 19 year old pathological optimist dying to change the world

you take fellowships and go to Yale
you become a foreign correspondent and watch your kids swim in a pool with plastic dolphins every Sunday
you become a person, trying so hard to believe that your life was a success and that you are happy
that you don't realise you died years ago.

**********

Standing on the cliff of a breakdown is not a good feeling. Gulping water while your throat contracts, is difficult. Blinking hard to push back the watery veil seems futile. Typing, deleting and then typing again to tire my constant need to feel worthy doesn’t yield the same result. Because the truth is it wasn’t meant to be this way. I wasn’t supposed to sit next to a box of tissues, tempted to use them all at once. I wasn’t supposed to mull over lost opportunities and what ifs. I wasn’t supposed to hide the fact from myself that I have made a number of wrong choices that seemed right and still feel right. I wasn’t supposed to feel demented or unintelligent when all my life I have been lauded by others. I wasn’t supposed to feel envious of others rather they were supposed to be on the other side of the fence living on dry grass. I wasn’t supposed to cringe at the very thought of tomorrow.

Because I used to be somebody who lived on eternal hope.

I used to be somebody who believed that everything would go the way I had meticulously planned in my head.

I used to be somebody who savoured the pitfalls thinking, no, believing that they are the crevices in my road to Brady Bunch like euphoric happiness.

I used to be somebody who’s only life threatening problem was losing weight, the rest of it was possible.

I used to be somebody who wanted to be a somebody at someplace and for someone.

But now I relish the thought of an obscure disease ravaging my body that will put an end to it all.

Now I do not sympathise with the leaves that lose their battle against the whimsical winds or the onslaught of droplets.

Now I am drained of self pity and do not mind the emptiness within.

**********

A broom is what I need….yes… aha… found the answer…!
I need it… to ... umm.. clean.. my room.. which.. is messy… and let's see…to sweep my
dreams.. under the bed…no..no.. I can still see them..lying.. there..
wait.. uhh... just let me.. get this…. Yeah.. that's much better.. now… I
have swept... them... out through..the railing…great I can't see them
anymore….oh….wait.. I can.. they are fluttering.. away…
shimmering…dimming.. shucks.. that's a strong current ….hmmm... now that's not my responsibility..wooohoooo…guess who's... freee….!

Hey! Look at that… woah…that's pretty…wonder who chucked that out that.. window
…aha….wait wait.. its coming…here… hey… it's the most

extraordinary colour… I have.. never seen anything..like this… before!
Jesus……its pretty but what is.. it…?? Let me..ask…her… no.. actually I
don't want.. to.. uhh…just a sec… let me..uh..just ge-ttt this..in ….need a
little longer….piece of net…oh.. it is slipping.. through.. no..no.. no..
I want..it… wait…I need…it.. ..i want.. to get…this…no it's not...
getting.. away….

Hey…get back….. are you nuts… GET BACK IN!! you are going to bloody topple
over…..wait….oh good… HELP… OH MY GOD…

Aahhhh…..gotcha…finally….waaaa ??
…nooooo…….nooooo….but I got..it….

Jesus….oh god no… wake.. up..oh my god… someone help… Help….!
no…I am sorry... I can't do anything about... sorry.. nothing can be done…

hmm…whats that? God.. that's just so delightful…I hope no.. one..else..
can.. I am .. gonna…take it with me…wonder..what is it doing.. on..
her? It must've…landed on.. her….it's the most… enchanting…..

**********
Ramblings of my closest friends and me, which leave me helpless for there is nothing to say, but to accept the shared disillusionment of a certain kind of people -- who know too much -- just too much to be ordinary and yet are resigned to never realise the promise they themselves are. And it's a cycle of random words weaved together to lift a person from the shallows of their existence which is what some people call friendship or even lesbianism!